On Husbands and Wives
One of the problems we face today is existentialism. This philosophy has permeated pretty much everything about the way people think today. Wrongly, it teaches that since there is ‘no God’, people have no fundamental essence. This means we have to define who we are individually, without any set pattern as to the kind of person we should be. On the whole, feminism is gender existentialism. In other words, we are taught today that there is no such thing as ‘male’ or ‘female’, except biologically. Those with male bodies can perform traditionally feminine functions and vice versa. So the view is that there should be no difference in roles, behaviour, dress, etc. between men and women. Because of this, of course, it becomes perfectly permissible for men to conduct sexual relationships with men, and women with women, though the Bible says this shows a desperate state in terms of where we at with God (Romans 1).
However, as Christians, we do not believe this. We believe that God did create men and women equal in His image (Genesis 1). But at the same time, He did create us distinct; otherwise there would just be one gender. Adam was created first to be the leader; Eve was created next to be the helper. Existentialism and postmodernism reject the concepts of authority and hierarchy. These views do not like the idea that anyone can tell anyone what to do, which of course is a product of the Fall of Adam and Eve, when they told God they didn’t want Him telling them want to do. So, because we as humans don’t like authority, we don’t like the idea of anybody being a leader over us. So from the earliest age, we rebel against our parents and learn very quickly to say NO to what they ask us. It is natural for the fallen man to want to rebel against his boss or his king. It is natural for the fallen woman to want to rebel against her husband. It is natural for the fallen child to rebel against his parents. But as Christians, we are called to submit first to God’s authority, and then the position He has placed us in.
Jesus met a man with great faith, a centurion. This man completely understood about this question of authority, hierarchy and submission. He was in charge of some people, and some other people were in charge of him. He recognised that Jesus is in charge of everything, including sickness and death. With Jesus at the ‘top of the tree’, it wasn’t hard for the centurion humbly to accept his place in the system of things. Jesus Himself, as the Son, has to submit to the Father, even saying that “the Father is greater than I”. So the crucial point here is that being a leader doesn’t make you better or of greater status. In the same way, being a helper or a subordinate doesn’t make you worse or of lower status. The Son is equal with the Father, and yet He still submits to the Father’s authority. A woman is equal with her husband, and yet she still submits to his authority (as long as he is not commanding what God forbids or forbidding what God commands). This is spelled out in 1 Corinthians 11 in the first few verses.
The most important thing to recognise in all of this is our need to submit to God and to trust Him that He has put us in a certain place with certain people in our lives. If we can hold on to that, like the centurion, we will accept the leadership given to us over certain other people in our care (like children or younger Christians, maybe). We will also accept that God has given us people to lead us (like our parents or older Christians, maybe).
The difficulty begins when the person in authority over us disagrees with us. Obviously, we think they are in the wrong and there is nothing in the Bible that says it’s wrong to challenge decisions made by those in authority. Joab rightly challenges his king, David, over a foolish decision to take a census. At the same, Joab still takes the census. God holds David fully responsible for this bad decision, not Joab. So, at the end of the day, if we love and trust God, we must submit to those in authority over us, even if we think their decisions are unwise or annoying to us. Paul makes this point in Romans 13 when it comes to obeying civic authorities, and of course Jesus says we should pay our taxes, even if we think they are unreasonably high. If we think the speed limit is too slow, we should still follow it, not because we agree with it, but because we love God and understand that in submitting to the road authorities, we are actually submitting to His authority.
So, in marriage, a husband and wife will inevitably disagree. It is really important that the husband seeks to be as much like Jesus as possible – in other words, he puts his wife’s feelings, desires, interests, wellbeing, etc. above his own every single day of his life. No husband does this perfectly, but that’s what Ephesians 5 is all about. Equally, a wife should seek to be as much like a perfect church as possible – in other words, she trusts God that her husband is her husband given to her by God, and she is to submit to, follow and help him every single day of her life. No wife does this perfectly, but that’s what Ephesians 5 is all about. One day, as the ultimate ‘wife’, we will submit to and love our ultimate ‘husband’ Jesus. In the meantime, we should seek to play our roles to mirror this perfection.
If a husband makes a dumb decision which doesn’t really take into account his wife’s feelings, should his wife refuse to go along with it? No, she should go along with it, after giving her reasons why she doesn’t agree. And she shouldn’t sulk or try to pay him back or make life hard for him. She should seek to serve him all the more, and help him deal with the fallout when it all goes pear-shaped without ever saying ‘I told you so’!
If a wife refuses to submit to her husband, should her husband stop loving her? No, he should carry on loving her, even if sometimes he has to say that she is hurting him and God. And he shouldn’t sulk or try to pay her back or make life hard for her. He should seek to love, cherish and treasure her all the more, and pray for her, and seek reconciliation every day.
These teachings are incredibly relevant to all of us, and if we really trust God, we will believe Him through thick and thin that being faithful to the roles He has given us will in the end bring great blessing. And there’s nothing better in this life than a functioning marriage, with a deeply, sacrificially loving husband, and a deeply, submissively loving wife.
